Diary Entry #66
“It takes a lot to repress trauma. It takes even more to admit what you remember after it has been triggered.
For the past 8 years I have been suppressing a past that included sexual abuse that led to a hidden addiction for sex. This is my story.
Two years after our marriage (I am now divorced), our first daughter was born. I was in a different country from my (now ex) husband, she was premature and, sadly she passed on at 2 weeks. He had traveled home to meet his daughter, and the night our baby was buried, while I lay in bed crying for my now dead child, my spouse only had a single request.
He wanted sex. He didn’t want it. He demanded it. His reason was that my nifaas (post birth bleeding) was over and that it had been a long time, so he needed to “empty himself”. He was struggling to think straight and he needed an outlet.
I cried and cried, begging him to understand that we had just buried our child a few hours before and his response was simply, “this is my right as a husband.” My tears meant nothing to him as he undressed me and had sex with me body, while my heart and mind said no. I was buried too deep in grief to consent, and today I realized that it was rape.
This sexual abuse had not begun with the death of my daughter. We lived in a foreign country and when we wed, I had been a virgin. Sexual talk was taboo. I was just given birth control pills by my older sister in order not to have a period for at least a month after the wedding. “You shouldn’t upset your husband with silly things like a period,” she warned me.
Nothing else was told to me and because of this, I googled everything. I didn’t know what to do or what to expect. The images online were too explicit, and running the risk of my browser history being found, I gave up on the search for sex.
Turns out, I have vaginismus. Which was diagnosed only when I found out I was pregnant. This meant that my vagina is unnaturally tiny and to my new husband’s frustration, any form of penetration was extremely painful and we only consummated our marriage almost 6 weeks after nikah.
While I didn’t fall pregnant immediately, my husband had an innate fascination with my condition, it aroused him more, and we had to have relations everyday else risk the closing and have to start as if it were the first night all over again.
Because intercourse had to occur so often, it became a game for him. It no longer was a commodity, but a necessity, for both of us. I craved the intimacy, he just needed to have sex.
To win his approval, i learnt to do as he pleased. Whatever I needed, was paid in sexual favors, it ranged from oral sex in weird positions to watching porn while simultaneously attempting the positions on tv to arouse him.
Sometimes, he wasn’t pleased and even though I got up to so many acrobatics in the bedroom (amongst other places), I still got a no for my needs.
From this I placed sex as a barter for my needs, material and emotional. When I was pregnant, my body changed and my spouse’s arousal intensified. Sexual intercourse up to 6 times a day was not out of the norm.
I could type a book out on the explicit physical things I was expected to do, he even forgot I was carrying his child. It really was about the sex.
Like I mentioned before, I wasn’t taught what was normal and what wasn’t in sex in a Muslim marriage. I went to sex shops and walked out immediately out of sheer embarrassment. He didn’t complain as I was pregnant, he just needed to have sex.
After the baby died, the grief filled sex sessions continued. I fell pregnant again and his arousal was fumed once again. To this day, I wonder whether or not if my daughter is a by product of rape.
I write this with tears in my eyes as I know that the topic of sexual relationships is taboo within the Muslim community. No one explained to me that I was being sexually abused.
This was all that I was used to. My spouse and I parted ways in winter. I had to stand on the balcony in the middle of the night to freeze my hormones as I was struggling to control my nafs. I make shukar every single day that I am an introvert.
Yes, my nafs has gotten the better of me at times, because it is all I know, but now I know the root of the problem.
Yes, I have gotten into strictly physical relationships just to feel what it was like with my ex husband, not out of love. Out of pure physical desire, like an animal.
It was a confusing time for me, why is a sex addict hiding underneath a hijab. It was all a by product of the sexual abuse, hidden until very recently.
Today, I find solace in the dua of Musa AS, surah Qasaas:
“My Lord, I am indeed needy of whatever good you send to me.”
I look at everything that I have been through as a test, maybe I have failed some, I may fail a few more, but I have found my problem, I have found istighfar once more. Alhamdulillah
I hope that one day I will be worthy of Allah swt’s forgiveness, worthy of being a role model to my daughter, and I hope that if you are reading this and can relate, please take my advice and get some help.. don’t let this fester like I did. “