Daddy’s little angel ….
I stood frozen, my whole world came crashing down , I felt myself gasping for air . I could not believe ,could not accept that he was gone , I would never hear his voice again ,never feel his comforting hugs ,never be able to look forward to the little things we did and I will never again be able to see his lovely face . My beloved father was gone from this earth forever … Beginning his new journey to our creator .
It all seemed to unreal ,the house filled up with people slowly as I quietly awaited that last glimpse of him before they took him away… I sat beside him ,trembling and trying to pray but all I could thing was that this was the last time this kind soul was going to be Infront of me . So much was going through my mind ,wil I get to touch him for just one second ,will I get to give him one kiss on his forehead ? Will I ever forget how he looks . I was frozen and felt lost …
I sat there nothing less than a corpse ,the only difference was my heart was pumping … Than there was reality they were coming to take him away . I stood up to make dua and had no idea what I would feel when I see him for the very last time ,part of me wanted to look away and never have this memory in my mind but my heart never let my eyes blink for a second .
I got the opportunity to see him for the very last time ,I looked down at his glowing face and not a tear could flow down ,I didn’t break down ,I didn’t lose control . I smiled at how beautiful and peaceful he looked how happy This moment made me feel . I wanted to absorb every single part of the moment to have this memory forever with me .
Than I remembered how selfless my father was when he was facing death ,I looked up to see if my mother and brother were okay ,from this day forth I knew I was no little girl ,no daddies baby ,I had lost my hero ,my pillar of strength ,my king …. With every tear and heartbreak I felt a sense of contentment knowing what an amazing person he was to make me feel his loss so deeply .
I stood at the window holding tightly to the window pane as the carried him away ,at that moment I felt a part of me leaving ,o felt my heart slowing down ,I felt I was losing a piece of me I would never be able to replace . My knees felt weak ,I wanted to run out and scream and say “daddy please ! Please! Don’t leave me ! Come back to me ! Your baby needs you ! I beg you daddy ! I will do anything ,just come back to me.
But I stood there morbid ,still and silent … Hopeless and broken . All that hope was shattered all that happiness had vanished and all I felt was hurt ,sadness ,emptiness .
I am Muslim ,I have faith ,I accepted his death ,but at that point my heart and body could not believe that death meant I can’t see him ? He was ill ,I knew this was going to happen yet I was shaking thinking this can’t be real ,it can’t be that I won’t see him again . I accepted death ,but never realized what accepting death meant ,meant losing your beloved ,meant never getting to see them again ,mean a goodbye until you reunite .
I fell sound asleep that night ,still not realizing the reality of what had happened ,I woke up the next day and continued this way for a few days . Until the day I had to empty his cupboard and belongings ,each step made me feel like I was losing even his memories ,who could I betray him like this ? Would he do the same ? Would he continue his life if he lost his baby girl … How could I do this to him . My brain kept telling me to do the right things but my heart just wouldn’t let me … We emptied his clothes ,every item reminded me of a certain day ,I picked up a shirt that I recall seeing him in it so much ,I held it against my heart tightly and for jus a second I could feel and smell him . I opened my eyes and broke down knowing that was all I was Gona have now ,memories and visions … I kept this shirt safely as it would always be a memory of him to me ,his smell will always linger on it and I will always have a piece of him with me .
Days went on and I would walk into the house and look right to the sofa he always sat on ,every single time I did this I would close my eyes and tear inside remembering this was never going to be a reality again …
Eventually I was consumed my by baby who was just 4 months old at the time , he was a blessing to my father ,he was his nanas life ,he brought life to my father when even the doctors said there’s no chance … Every time I looked at this little boy I saw my father ,I saw the hope … I felt a sense of happiness . A happiness that can’t be explained ,I felt protective and a deep love that I promised I would make sure I love this boy the way my father would’ve expected me to and more ….
A month had passed and the house started getting empty ,life started taking off … My brother was back at school ,I had returned to my husbands house , trying to continue life as normal … Trying hard to live again …
We all started adapting to our loss and making dua for him and just tried to accept allahs will gracefully …
Than one day I woke up frantic ,I had the worst nightmare I was feeling sick ,I couldn’t breath ,I needed help immediately . I picked up my phone without thinking and messages my father saying I need him he must help me . I didn’t get a reply and started crying … Why was he ignoring me ?? I needed him ?? Was he angry at me ?? Should I phone him . When I finally snapped out of my moment I stood still and gasped for air , I looked up and shut my tears and tears flowed down as I fell to the ground ,helpless and broken ,shattered and weak … I cried my heart out ,reality had hit . He was gone … Gone … There was no daddy there … For the first time I understood what accepting death meant ,it wasn’t just a statement made to seem strong but a realization of the fact that death separates you and you have to still live on this earth ,you have to still breath ,still have a life … But … A life without that person .
This day I sat at my window looking out realizing how much I had blocked out,how much denial I was in ,in the aim to be strong I had got lost somewhere . I started remembering everything , for a moment I couldn’t remember ,I couldn’t picture my daddy ,I couldn’t hear his voice in my head ,I couldn’t remember that last glimpse ,I cried more frantically and everything slowly started coming back to me …
All back to the day he got admitted into hospital … He was perfectly normal ,he had walked himself in ,he was jovial and always happy . I would spend days with him while he was under observation doing tests . We would joke and laugh and plan our upcoming holidays . He would always tell me how my my baby is his favorite ,he never stopped teasing ,I took this hospital period with a pinch of salt ,I would make sure I got him groomed and looking my superhero that he always loved looking like .
4 weeks in and still in suspense I just assumed it was typical hospital incompetence and procrastination and he wil be out soon . Infact I was convinced he was going to be out soon ,in a day or too .
Than one day I went for usual fun and playful visits but he looked sad and down and held me against his chest ,I laid on the bed next to him I just thought he was starting to get depressed being there . I got very emotional and decided to go home for a nap .
Waking up from this nap was a nightmare ,my mum ran into the room ,hesitant and scared ,words stumbled out of her mouth ,she acted brave and pretended like she was prepared for this …. ” daddy was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer progressed ”
I was still dazed from my nap ,for a minute I though I was dreaming ,my mouth went dry I couldn’t speak ,my mum was broken and ran out of the room …. I bent down to my knees and started crying ,how ? Why? So many questions . And than suddenly I jumped up and said I believe and trust in Allah and there is a chance ,there is hope !! I will do whatever I am capable of to save my daddy .
Days went and his health deteriorated ,he was slowly withering away in my hands . He had strict diet rules and strict hospital instructions ,but being his stubborn little girl I would give him whatever he wanted even though I knew it was not healthy or good for him … A part in my heart made me do it ,made me do any and everything that he wanted . I wanted to do so many things with him ,make him comfortable and serve him . I felt so blessed ,so so blessed to have the chance and opportunity to serve this man who has seen to me my whole life . Every ounce of time I put into him I felt so happy and so grateful and made so much shukr I was given this opportunity .
Day in and day out ,my brother ,mother and I would alternate and see to him … It got harder seeing him getting weaker ,I started getting furious and confused as to why the hospital was not treating him ? Why was he getting worse ? I started getting snappy and would fight with hospital staff .
Eventually 1st of My mum sat us down and said the doctors said there was no hope …. Hope exists ,it does ,but his health had just deteriorated and his organs had stopped functioning . I ran into his ward and saw him smiling at me …. I grabbed him and held my tears … I had to swallow my heart and be strong for him … I had to give him hope and make him feel That it was all going to be ok and he has us all … There is nothing harder than swallowing your tears watching the love of your life slowly wither …
He was now in icu … Leaving the hosp every night felt morbid ,we would leave with heavy hearts and have sleepless nights ,one night I finally fell asleep in the early parts of the morning and I was awakened by a call saying come to the hosp … I rushed and ran in to the ward… His heart rate has dropped , I saw my mum and brother crying and praying … I was not giving up … I grabbed him and shook him and kept shaking him saying “daddy wake up ,wake up ,I love u,wake up” and my word Allah is so merciful ,by some miracle his heart raise increased and he stabilized … I breathed a relief of sigh but I was distraught knowing that things could take a turn for the worse anytime …
A few days passed and thing only got worse ,he now only wanted to come home and see his grandson. I arranged for my baby to be brought to the icu ,I risked a lot but knew I had to fulfill every single wish of his ,seeing this baby he lifted himself up on the bed ,his eyes brightened ,he smiled ,my heart melted ❤️ this was life ❤️this was our purpose on earth ….
A day later things got worse ,he begged me to take him out ,my emotions took over I went hysterical fighting to give him what he wanted …. I wanted no reasonable explanation from any doctor ,all I knew was I wanted my daddy home on my lap and whatever else made him happy … My hopes were unrealistic and it wasn’t allowed …. I felt guilt ,I felt I was betraying him ,he had never denied me anything in my whole life ,what kind of a child was I ?
My mind knew it wasn’t possible to take him home … We spent all of Friday with him and for the first time he was getting confused in recognizing me ,I stepped out and broke down like never before ,how can he not recognize his baby ???he brought me up ,he taught me all I knew ?? How can he not know his addu ???
The doctors said he was in a terrible conditions ,seeing this I sat on the hospital floor with my brother helpless and for the first time my dua wasn’t for my selfish desperate need to help him but rather I prayed and prayed that Allah makes it easy for him and does what is meant but please don’t let my daddy suffer even for a mere second … I kissed his forehead and went home to have some sleep ….
I went to sleep without any bad feeling ,no bad sense …. Than there was a call at 5 am … The bad dream started …
Months have passed since I lost my beloved daddy but the pain never eases ,the hurt never decreases …. Nothing can console this loss . I have full faith that Allah takes his best soldiers … It is true because my daddy was a hero, a legend … This loss can never be fulfilled ,can never be expressed but I assure u it was worthwhile having such a blessing even for a few years than not having one at all …
Loss can drive you to destruction or motivate u to rise above your emotions and focus all that energy in a positive and constructive manner … It is so important to have the urge to want to be a better person. , to want to have achievements and to want be remember like a soldier ❤️
My advice is … Be a blessing to someone ,for that will always be admired and remembered .
Love Adila … Or addu
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